Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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