i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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