How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
