I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I AM VODKA MAN
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
