he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i think im in europe. pls send help
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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