My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I came so hard my ears popped.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
