oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
