evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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