Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
