the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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