He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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