Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
