Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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