May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
