The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
