Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
