he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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