I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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