She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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