Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
