put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize