Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My dick has a subreddit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
