The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
