woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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