im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize