3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize