There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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