Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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