You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to align my fucking chakras
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
