This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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