This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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