I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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