No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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