I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
