im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize