Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
