The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
