So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize