The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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