you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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