This is not my ceiling
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
