Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
