As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
