Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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