just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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