literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize