I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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