It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
where are my eyebrows?
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