Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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