Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
