They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
