i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
