I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
