Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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