so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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