you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
