don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
