I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
