a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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