Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
